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On Spiritual and Emotional Bypassing
Category: Culture
Emotional Projection
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Relational Curiosity
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A Few Random Thoughts I’ve Had Lately
At the start of the pandemic, I downloaded TikTok out of sheer boredom. Somehow, I ended up finding a community of others willing to learn, teach, and grow our understanding of the world around us. It’s been a comfort when I needed it, when I needed somewhere to socialize without having the ability or option of leaving my home. But lately it’s become more of an aggravating annoyance. Every other video is about how to handle a romantic or platonic relationship, the “healing journey”, or what emotional maturity supposedly looks like.
Each of the video topics annoys me for different reasons, but I think it mostly comes down to each and every one of them having a superiority complex overall. “This is the right way to do things in a relationship, this is the wrong way.” “This is the right way to heal, this is the wrong way.” “This is the right way to deal with emotions, this is the wrong way.”
It’s exhausting. Everyone is different. Everyone uses different coping mechanisms to deal with the things they struggle with, some healthy and some less so. But who is to say what is and isn’t healthy for someone else? Can we just let them be and let them decide for themselves what is best? It’s as if our culture loves to say you only hold value and worth if you do things a certain way. I’ve never held the belief that anyone is more or less worthy than another no matter what. Are there certain things that are objectively bad and wrong? Of course. But context matters, too. Everyone has a different belief system, way of thinking and relating to the world around them, unconscious biases, etc. It almost seems as though everyone in western culture has this incessant need to force others to comply with what we believe is best. But who is to say what really is best for another? Even parents get it wrong when it comes to what may be best for their children, teachers sometimes get it wrong when it comes to what may be best for their students, governments can get it wrong when it comes to what may be best for their citizens (especially the most vulnerable among them).
I know in recent weeks a lot of those same TikTok videos, even from mutuals on the platform, are starting to feel triggering of old trauma that I’m still working through. It’s making me need a break from the platform altogether, and I’ve found comfort in listening to audiobooks as I declutter and organize my home. I’ve always enjoyed learning about different philosophies, psychology, ethics, etc. and that’s what the majority of by TBR list is at the moment. It’s interesting to think back and realize every boyfriend I’ve ever had was able to see that interest in philosophy within me. More than one of my exes even suggested listening to podcast and audiobooks, which I’ve only gotten into within the last year or two. I never really agreed with them at the time, but it’s almost clear as day looking at my current habits, the audiobooks I’m listening to now, and the ones I keep adding to my TBR list on Goodreads or my wish list on Audible for those unavailable through the Libby app from my library.
Right now, I’m listening to Who Is Wellness For? by Fariha Róisín. It’s interesting how much I can relate to the story while not having much in common with the author outside of relating to the feelings and emotions being written about it. I’m only about halfway through the book, and have about 20 other audiobooks from the library on the Libby app. The more I listen to the book, and the more I look forward to the other books on my TBR list, the more I find I’m longing for and wanting someone to read along with so that we could discuss the books and topics of the books. I found it’s one of the best ways for me to connect with others. I love talking about different experiences that we are reminded of while reading books like the one I’m currently listening to and ones on my TBR list. I don’t know why exactly, but I find it an enthralling experience that allows me to open my mind to new perspectives and ways of looking at the world. When I find those people, I know love. And I’m frustrated lately because I don’t know where those people, my people, are right now. I hope we find each other soon. It’s like I’ve outgrown those I used to be able to connect with about these things. I know they say growth is lonely because it often includes loss and grief is necessary. But it still sucks. And I still long for those I can connect with, that I can talk about these things with someday soon. I want that so much.
Moving On vs Moving Forward
People are so quick to say I’m stubborn when it comes to the wording used towards those who are in pain, that I am super defensive for no reason. But there is a reason – I’ve been on the receiving end of hurtful words, and had my intentions questioned too many times in my life not to be instinctively defensive. I’ve also been the one to say hurtful things due to my own pain, so I understand where some of it may come from. I won’t cut them off at the first opportunity and take away an opportunity for them to take accountability. And I don’t always defend right away because I don’t want to jump to conclusions about what is truly happening for another person. And I don’t always think that what is comforting to me is going to be comforting for another person. But leaving someone without anywhere to turn for comfort is never okay, in my opinion. Which is why I always aim to ask instead of assuming. It isn’t me attempting to aggressively question anyones motives. It is my way of trying to ascertain what it is someone may need without jumping to provide a solution that may be more harmful than helpful. There are certain motivational phrases and quotes that I find motivating, and others that I find discouraging or disingenuous. And what I find motivating and encouraging others might find discouraging or disingenuous based on their personal values and upbringing. Forcing someone else to live by your own is manipulative and abusive.
This past week, I was contemplating on why certain phrases people said to me after a really bad breakup weren’t helpful even though I know they may have meant well when they said them. There was no one asking what I wanted, what I needed that would make me feel better. They assumed I was fine. And the impact of some of these phrases are so subtle in their differentiation that it’s understandable. That doesn’t make the impact any less painful or traumatic. Most of the “support” I received was just validating my worst fears and preyed on my insecurities.
One phrase that has bothered me for years, and still does to this day is when someone says to move on after a painful experience. It comes across as dismissive, and invalidates that someone is still in any emotional distress. In my opinion it also seems to demand that you are able to immediately process your feelings, come to a conclusion and go on with life as it was before. And that just isn’t realistic, especially if this phrase is said to someone dealing with trauma. I honestly think this phrase is said more to satisfy the one saying it, because they are uncomfortable seeing someone else in pain and don’t want to (or maybe can’t) reconcile with how much of that suffering they may be at fault for due to blindly following different harmful systems of oppression. That is their own shit to deal with and it isn’t fair to put that discomfort on someone else.
I’ve also seen several places online claim that the phrase, “Move on,” isn’t dismissive of pain or that the pain didn’t exist, just that someone or something isn’t worth the pain. And that still doesn’t resonate with me. Because it is saying someone only has worth if they never ever cause anyone pain at all. And that also is not realistic. It comes off a little delusional to expect to go an entire lifetime without any painful experiences at all ever.
The fix to me is simple and so, so subtle: saying to move FORWARD instead of demanding someone move ON. Move forward comes across as much more compassionate, kind and caring. It acknowledges that someone is still hurting and in pain. But it also encourages them to process those feelings in a way that is less shameful, working on dealing with those hurt parts in pieces safely over time so that they are not overwhelmed and flooded with emotions. It doesn’t demand immediate answers or conclusions and allows for real inner peace and relational healing, in my experience. It also acknowledges that sometimes the things that caused their pain maybe weren’t entirely their fault. Maybe it was, but is shame really the only motivator we can use to get someone to take responsibility? That seems to be causing way more harm in our society and in our interpersonal relationships than I think we’re really ready to admit.