J: “It’s Not Personal”

Breakups happen every day, you don’t have to lose it. – Right Where You Left Me, Taylor Swift

Netflix. Comedy Specials. Comfort Shows. Chocolate Ice Cream. Private Crying Sessions. Private Journals. Therapy. Medication. Lots of self-care for the pain I was going through immediately after our relationship officially ended. I feel okay and start moving forward, hopeful we can remain friends somehow, or friendly acquaintances at the very least.

Months later, after he squashed every opportunity to be friendly in our post-breakup encounters, his voice still lingers in my head.

"Stop lying. You're paranoid and delusional."
But I don't know what I've supposedly lied about.
Is it really that delusional to wonder about what could have been when a relationship ends?
Repeated messages that I'm worthless and should kill myself for...I don't know what.
Is it paranoia to fear those actively causing you undue emotional stress?
"Why are you so defensive?"
All I did was ask about what I possibly did that another found so unsettling.
No answer. Silence, weaponized. Anxious confusion for weeks on end.
Was it so wrong to care that I may have hurt another? To want to know how I could avoid causing that same hurt in the future?
"Stop crying. It's not personal."
But I am in emotional distress. And I'm allowed to cry when I am hurt.
The more I accept the loss and attempt to move forward, the more personal the attacks become.
Calling me crazy. Ungrateful. Bitch. Racist. Murderer.
Provoking my insecurities. My grief. My anxiety. Until I lash out and can be labeled as the aggressor.
But it's not personal?
Repeated refrains of how I should behave.
What feelings I'm allowed to have and show to the world.
Dismissiveness towards any negativity, so you feel justified in your emotional neglect and abandonment.
Insidious emotional abuse disguised as uncommunicated boundaries.
But it's not personal?
10 years, and not a single acknowledgement for the tiniest bit of pain you caused.
Always finding a way to twist my words, so the blame is never on you for anything.
Not a single apology. Not even one word of regret for the words said in anger, nor for the scornful looks given that still haunt my dreams and keep me up all night.
Not a single shred of accountability. And you wonder why I'm still so angry with you.

But it wasn't personal.

I disagree. It was personal.
It. Is. Personal.



Some Reflections…

J texted me a few months ago, stating that my life was mess before I met him. What?!? My life wasn’t a mess until shortly before we broke up and I started exhibiting symptoms of C-PTSD.

…it is one thing to blame the other person for the problem and another to describe the impact of that behavior on you while recognizing that the problem may be partly you and your sensitivities. After all, it’s your perception that defines the other person’s behavior as a problem.

Managing Interpersonal Conflict by Louis B. Barnes and James P. Ware

Before meeting J, I was volunteering at [redacted], had just finished my first semester back at college with all A’s, and was starting to figure out how to make money with my previous blog.

He didn’t help with any of that. Teaching me to drive was the only helpful and beneficial thing he added to my life that I can recall. And even that was only because R wouldn’t be available to drive him on the carts at [redacted] anymore. His teaching me to drive was still to benefit him, not because he sincerely wanted to help me.

If he sincerely wanted to help me, why abandon me when I was at my lowest? That isn’t love. Telling someone to shut up when they inform you that you’ve done something hurtful to them is avoidance. It’s lack of accountability and responsibility. Yet, he acts like I am the one who is unwilling to communicate about the harm that’s occurred. I’m not unwilling to do any self-reflection. He is, apparently. He pretends there was no effect or no harm even when there definitely was.

I still have nightmares about it. I still have panic attacks. Not nearly as much as I used to before ever going to therapy, but it doesn’t go away. I can’t just pretend to be okay. Faking it until you make it is incredibly harmful, but that’s what he seems to want. I won’t do that. I can’t do that. It’s superficial and dishonors my nervous system. That isn’t okay.

Don’t mistake being numbed out to it for being healed from it. People mistake feeling emotions about something as not being healed when, in fact, it’s one of the biggest signs of healing.

Juno Counseling (Dr. Vassilia)

I just want him to do some goddamn self-reflection and take accountability for having done anything to cause me harm. And to stop telling me that I can’t talk about my own experiences.

You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.

Anne Lamott

For some reason, he also thinks the judge agreed with him. About what, I’m not entirely sure. I don’t know why he thinks he ever actually offered a legitimate apology. The judge even told him to his face that I was still waiting for an apology. And that my intentions behind my actions weren’t without purpose. The only agreement I made with the judge was that I don’t believe J will ever sincerely self-reflect and apologize for having hurt me. There are literally transcripts of what was actually said by everyone in the court room that day.

The only time I got any sort of apology, J later mocked me for wanting to believe it. He even confirmed it was only provided to try and get me to shut up. I will NOT shut up about his abusive behavior towards me. I’ve never told him to shut up about anything I may have done that he felt hurtful, but it’s okay for him to do it towards me.? No. I don’t think that’s fair. If he’s allowed to talk about how I may have possibly hurt him, then I am allowed to talk about the harm and hurt I have endured from him. And I will not just “move on and forget about it.” That isn’t how trauma works. It’s most certainly not how healing from trauma works.

Until someone takes the impact of your traumatic experiences and places them in their nervous system and their body, they have no right to tell you to move on. Taking the time to heal is brave.

Nate Postlethwait

I have always been willing to hear him out about how any of my actions may have been hurtful to him – he doesn’t share it. That’s on him. I’m not a mind reader. Disappearing from a relationship the way he did is hurtful. There has now been more research on why ghosting is so hurtful, and I hope they continue doing more research on that topic.

What we don’t need in the midst of struggle is shame for being human.

Brene Brown

What really hurts is that he didn’t completely disappear. Part of me wonders if he had actually disappeared (instead of returning every so often with another scolding about how I’m wrong for feeling and expressing any hurt by his actions or lack thereof) would I have been able to heal more by now? And what makes him think he ever has a right to tell someone else how to feel? Why does he think he has a right to tell me what I do or do not find hurtful? Why does he seem to believe he has a right to tell me how and when I should heal? It isn’t his pain. It’s not his trauma.

He has no right to tell me what I do or do not feel. He has no right to tell me when I am healed. He has no clue what I deal with internally on a daily basis and never really has. I can’t recall a single a conversation since we broke up where he has ever been really willing to listen and empathize with my perspective on anything. I also don’t understand what makes him think he knows more than my own therapist about what I do and don’t need to be able to heal. He doesn’t get to make those decisions for me or anyone else.

My Letter to You, A Year Later


thefouragreements

The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom is by Miguel Ruiz.

There seems to be a theme of writing letters to those who’ve hurt you in order to heal oneself. If you could say anything to people from your past who have hurt you, what would you say? The last letter I wrote to those who hurt me followed the four principles detailed below. I hope you and those involved in hurting anyone read it and take it to heart. Because I think these are all important points to remember as we live out our lives in the present moment each and every day.

The First Agreement: Be impeccable with your word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

A Letter To You, One Year Later


thefouragreements

The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom is by Miguel Ruiz.

 

A year ago, almost to the day,  the hurt I was going through caused by a breakup came to head. There seems to be a theme of writing letters to those who’ve hurt you in order to heal oneself. I’ve written numerous letters, not all of which got sent. I hid more letters than I sent out to the universe towards this person, and many more letters that I wrote to others (again, not all were sent) who only helped to heighten the pain, hurt, and betrayal. This time I decided to write a letter to share with all of you about my thoughts and feelings regarding what happened, and I hope those involved read it and take it to heart, too.

The First Agreement: Be impeccable with your word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Doing the 100 Days of Happiness Challenge

100 Happy Days Photo Collage
A small collage of photos I posted to Instagram during the 100 Happy Days Challenge from September to December. I love that this challenge is how I finished off the year 2015!!

Challenge Overview

The challenge from 100happydays.com is simple: post a picture of something that makes you happy each day for 100 days in a row. The pictures do not have to be posted publicly. A key to remember during this challenge is that it’s for you, personally, not to please others.

Why I Participated

I wanted to find out for myself if I could do it, for one. I also wanted to challenge myself to find something that made me, individually, happy everyday after struggling with a few heavy depression episodes over the last two years following a disastrously messy breakup.

Lessons Learned

This was an eye-opening challenge for me. I rediscovered pieces of myself that I’d hidden away due to fear. I reminded myself of things I have that I need to remember to be grateful for and appreciate more. I learned of new opportunities and experiences to look forward to in the coming years. The biggest lesson I learned, though, and the lesson I hope everyone learns when taking up this challenge is learning to love yourself. Because how can you possibly expect to love others, entirely, if you don’t know how to love yourself first?

Participant Experience